With my working day increased to eleven hours a day, I soon found being responsible for the daily running of an office a huge task, but I jumped right into it. Making many mistakes along the way, learning the craft.

I knew motivating my staff would be hard for me to do. I couldnt motivate myself, but slowly things began to fall into shape. It was truly a case of fight or flight and everyday would be a constant battle, and as much as I moaned about the pressure, I loved the daily dramas and my head being filled with everything other than what I really needed to think about.

Exhausted at home after the end of a busy day, I would escape through drugs, effectively blocking eveything else out including Steve. He thought it was the pressures of the job, but I hadnt let him in on all that I was feeling. He was unaware that I was severely depressed. My insomnia was worse than ever and I would be lucky to get a few hours of sleep before hitting the snooze button and starting all over again.

No one knew what I was suffering. I became very good at pulling the wool over anyones eyes. To me I wasnt being untrue to those around me, I was just concealing a part of myself that had to be hidden. I knew if I opened up I would have alot to answer for, I would have to face up to my behaviour, and to my past.

Every now and again I would have days of lucidity. When life was good and I tried to sort things out for myself. During one of these times I finally arranged to see a solicitor about my children.

Pinning all my hopes of a happy healthy existance once I had them back in my life, I was eager to get the ball rolling. I was their natural father, I brought them up for the first few years of their life and above all they loved me. It was only right that I would get access, that we could all spend time together on long holidays in the sun.

But the law doesnt work like that.

Because me and Glenda never got married I had no legal rights what so ever. The best that was offered was a mediation session, but because she lived hundreds of miles away from me, I knew this was impossible. Plus the fact that at the time I had no idea where she or my girls lived, I was devastated. One of the last conversations I had with Glenda revolved around her desire to move and I tried what I could to locate her and my children but failed.

From that day on my depression got much worse. In my spare time I found myself organising my funeral knowing that the familiar thoughts of suicide were creeping closer. If it wasnt for my job and for having someone to come home to I know I wouldnt be here typing this now.

Having spent most of the year severely depressed, Steve put his foot down and banned drugs from our home. He still thought they were the cause of my problems and I was quite happy to play along.

So for a few weeks I found myself awake in the early hours, alone with my thoughts and instead of seeing my childrens faces when I closed my eyes, I saw my father. During those few weeks I remembered alot about what had happened to me as a child. It was like a door in my head had flung open and I was powerless to control what came through.

By day I was the boss, but by night I was a child again, wiping away mashed potatoe dad had thrown in my face because I dared ask for more. I could feel the welts on my backside his belt buckle made when he struck me for being naughty and the shame I felt for excusing the bruises on my face.

I didnt want to sleep and go through the nightmares that came and I didnt want to wake up in case I bumped into him in the streets.

This should have been my wake up call to get professional help, to own up to myself that my father was still very much ruling my life. But I knew better, I could handle it all myself, so every night I replaced the drugs with the bottle, and for a time I calmed down until I began to function normally. It horrible to admit, but in the midst of my alcohol addiction I could cope with life. It was like magical medicine, numbing the pain and helping me live.

I went from strength to strength at work and while my personal life was falling to bits I loved the extra cash my pay rises gave me.

The increasing wage was a badge of honour. It showed what I was worth, and although I wouldnt brag about the kind of money I was earning, I knew it was down to my managerial skills that the company was doing so well.

It was christmas and i found myself sitting with my bosses and my employees in a charming country pub celebrating a succesful year. The drinks were free and the atmosphere was heady. I knew my limit when it came to drink and I knew I had surpassed it. To my complete shame I was sick everywhere and my boss had the lovely job of clearing up my mess.

In my drunken haze I wondered what my employees were thinking. Their normally funny and conservative manager was acting like a complete twat, saying things he shouldnt and doing things he should know better than to do.

When I got home that night, with vomit stained clothes, Steve wasnt happy, we rowed and I went up to bed, but I couldnt sleep.

The events of the night and the thought of having to go back in the new year and be responsible for the people that saw me acting so irresponsibly coupled with the dark memories of my father. Even the thought of my children opening their christmas presents without me was too much to bear.

Maybe it was the alcohol but I knew then that I had to die.

But because I was so drunk I couldnt actually get up off the bed. Steve was sleeping downstairs and I thought it was the perfect time to put an end to what I saw as my insignificant little life. Without being able to get to the bathroom to find a razor blade,I looked for things around me in the bedroom that were close by.

Bedrooms arent normally designed to house instruments of destruction and ours was no different. The best I could come up with was a pillow. I figured that if I clamped it tight over my face, in my drunken state it wouldnt be long until I passed out and suffocated.

So calmly I pulled the pillow from under me, placed it firmly over my head, closed my eyes and waited for death.

Thankfully it didnt come. I guess I fell asleep as soon as my eyes closed.

That was the only time when I was truly grateful for a hangover!