I had left school with some decent exam results and found work as a trainee in an advertising agency out of town.
Commuting to work every day made it feel like a proper job and I got on well with the other staff.

 

Because I was always at work, or out in the evenings with Jos, I hardly ever saw dad and this suited me fine. I had made up my mind to cut him out of my life completely.

My job was the first step, then I would find a place of my own and be rid of him for good.

The only fly in my ointment was my wages. Being a trainnee I was only earning £60 a week, £30 of this went to dad, so it was impossible to save anything, after taking out travel and lunch money I hardly had anything left for myself.

 

I was still very shy and found it hard to meet and sustain any kind of relationship with new people, so I joined a few pen pal lists and soon found myself writing to pop music fans around the world.

Some of the pen pals became friends even though I made an effort not to mention my home life in the letters, so although they were a great outlet for me, I needed something more.

Vicky was too close for me to feel comfortable in opening up entirely to her. I knew I had to and felt guilty that I hadn't.

 

Life is tough for any 17 year old going through puberty, and I had the added confusion that I had been abused and the desperate need to talk to someone - anyone, about me being gay.

 

After considering suicide for a second time, I phoned the samaritans and although I cant remember the exact conversations we had, I recall a calm voice listening to me and not preaching - it helped for awhile.

 

I began spending time and talking to people I had known at school - they were acquaintances rather than friends, but they all helped in gearing me up to face being honest with Vicky.

 

At last I found the courage and sat down with my best friend at the local cricket ground and told her I was gay.

Vicky was the first person I told and she didn't take the news as I expected. I could tell she was shocked and she said she was happy for me, but she was worried I would live a life on my own. I guess she couldn't comprehend the idea of me and another guy. She told me afterwards she had cried when I told her, she was that worried that I would never find anyone.

In some respect she hit the nail on the head, if I carried on locking myself away - cocooned in my bedroom listening to Michael Jackson's Bad album, I would never find anyone.

Instead of doing something about it, I created an imaginary lover called Luke and took great joy at telling Vicky what a stud he was. I could tell she didn't believe me and every time I arranged for him to meet her, of course he never showed.

 

I had to stop the lies and I had to get out of my home town. Everyone else seemed to be seeing someone, Vicky was starting a relationship with her future husband, my sister had lost her virginity some time before and I was festering away with my head in the clouds.
And to top it all - I knew I was about to lose my job.

For months me and Vicky had been using the office as our own at the weekend - making plans to be millionaires by the age of 30, faxing madonna at her london hotel and phoning my pen pal in america.

I also used the office to publish a michael jackson fanzine, which involved lengthy phone calls with a penpal in yorkshire. The phone bills were horrendous.

The boss didn't take too kindly to this and after a spell as his gardener to pay back some of what I owed him, he fired me.

 

I was unemployed but still living at home. My regular pay cheques ensured dad didn't throw me out on my sixteenth birthday, but now that security was gone. Mum said she wouldn't tell him I had lost my job, but I had to get a job - fast.

 

During this time I had been writing to a michael jackson pen pal in Devon.
Glenda told me she was 16 years old, when in fact she was in her thirties, married with two young sons.

After getting over the shock that I was writing to a woman my mothers age, we started a phone relationship. She was great fun and when she tried to seduce me over the phone I found it easy to tell her I was gay.

 

In Glenda I found a connection, she had a young outlook on life and although she'd tell me she loved me I didn't hear the alarm bells ringing.

 

My parents couldn't ignore all the phone calls and letters and soon began to question the relationship. They would not believe we were just friends.

And neither could Glenda.

 

I still didn't suspect anything when one day she announced she'd leave her husband for me. It didn't seem real - she was just words on paper or a voice on the phone from miles away. It helped my self esteem and we both knew I could never love her like she said she loved me.

So it certainly didn't bother me when she said she would be in town for the weekend and I should book a hotel for the two of us.

 

I stood in the hotel lobby waiting to book the room and  I could see just how far I had come. From spending most of my teen years in my bedroom, too shy to meet new people and too fearfull of doing anything to upset my father  to lie-ing  to my parents, telling them I was going to a weekend party.

I was on the verge of doing something out of character and I loved the feeling.

This was something dad could have no control over. For this one weekend I would be my own person.

 

As I signed the reservations book, I would never have guessed just how dramatically my life would change, after my weekend with a married woman from Devon.