1987 - 1989

My troublesome teenage years were in front of me, but I stayed away from the clubs, pubs, sex and drugs my peers were begining to enjoy.

While my school mates were grooving away at the local disco, I pretty much locked myself in my bedroom, listening to music and became increasingly worried about my future.

My sixteenth birthday was looming and I wondered if dad would stick to his promise and kick me out the family home.

As much as I loved goofing off at school with vicky I always came down to earth with a bump when I was at home. If I was to be homeless in a years time, I had to bite the bullet, get over my painfull shyness and venture out into the world beyond my bedroom and find a job.

Typically, my first job was handed to me by my father. A friend of his worked in a pizza restaurant and offered me a position as wash boy.

The job was a real eye opener - I was only washing up, but the other guys in the kitchen were more grown up and street savvy than myself. I was even chatted up on more than one occassion, by guys - I liked the attention, but felt unconfortable and at 15 remained a virgin.

The job gave me a great excuse to get out the house and learn some well needed social skills. The money was good, and I didnt mind that I had to give my dad half of my weekly pay.

I began to go out more, I still didnt feel confident enough to go clubbing though.

I became friends with a girl called Jos. She was a year younger than me, and if truth be told I was more interested in her brother Sean than her, but me and Joss soon became firm friends and met up at every opportunity. We would spend my hard earned cash on the latest pop singles and sweets and goof about like two girlfriends in her bedroom.

During this time I ignored my dad completley. I could hear him beating the crap out of our dogs and spreading his lies to family friends, but all he was to me was a big fat wall of noise.

Looking back he must have been frustrated at the growing gap between father and son and I dont think he realised his actions had driven me further away.

I would wake up some mornings to find my posters ripped off my walls and replaced with pictures of women from his porn mags. This was his way of helping me grow into a man and desire women.

He knew I masturbated since he inspected my bed sheets often and told me if I didnt stop doing it he would tell the neighbours what I was up to.

Although he was happy for me to embrace porn, he didnt like me growing up and expressing my sexuality.  I still felt an immense sense of guilt over anything sexual and this hampered any chance of me getting it on with anyone.

I remember while we were putting up christmas decorations, while the rest of the family were shopping with mum, dad told me I was ready for a few facts of life.

Women were to be treated like dirt, fuck em and leave em, never love them or they'll walk all over you. This was his only advice. I knew then why I hadnt seen any loving tender moment between him and my mum.

Their relationship was almost at an end. We all knew it and my sister and I still hoped mum would leave him.

We didnt know at the time, but she was too scared to leave. He wasnt just an abusive father - he was an abusive husband, but mum done her best to keep her beatings from us.

It was christmas eve, dad was in my bedroom - another telling off, but these days they werent followed by beatings, instead he used his words as a way to hurt me more.

Some of these sessions would last for hours and at times I would wish for a punch just to get the ordeal over with.

He told me to enjoy this christmas as it would be my last one in his house. He was sticking to his word, on the day of my sixteenth birthday, my bags would be packed and I would be out on my own.

The festive season was ruined. I couldnt get excited about anything. And as the new year approached I became increasingly more anxious. Nights would turn to day as I lay awake in bed feeling utterly depressed.

The realisation that I was gay caused me upset too. I just couldnt see a future of being with another guy and after praying time and time again for a relationship and nothing happening, I knew I would never find love or a way to satisfy my ever growing sexual appetite.

If I ever did get over my fear of men and find myself with someone and dad would find out, he would kill me. I couldnt see past a life without my father.

I had to find a way to escape him.

I waited til the early hours of the morning and sneaked downstairs to the kitchen. I found the headache tablets easily, emptied the bottle into my hands, put it back and with the help of a glass of water, swallowed every one of them.

I made my way up to bed and couldnt stop crying. As soon as my head hit the pillow, the tiredness halted the tears and I went to sleep.

I dreamt of my nan who had died a few years before. She was hugging me and saying words I couldnt understand. It was the loveliest dream I had had, full of security and peace. It felt like a home I never had.

I heard a noise and realised it was coming from me and at that point woke up to find I had been sick. The pills I had taken were scattered over my pillow. I had only been asleep for half an hour.

The suicide attempt was real, the need for attention was long gone at that point and I didnt feel the need to leave a note for anyone. I was so angry that it didnt work, of course now Im glad that it didnt and cant help but think that my nan was there to help me out.

I went downstairs and watched the sun creep into the front room I knew it was time to say goodbye to whatever childhood I had. It was time to leave school and get a job. And it was time to accept that in a few months I would be leaving home, only it would be on my terms and I had a few scores to settle first.